My name is H.I. McDunnough.
Call me Hi.
The first time I met Ed...
was in the county lockup in Tempe, Arizona.
Don't forget his profile, Ed.
Turn to the right!
The day I'll never forget.
Turn to the right!
What kind of name is Ed for a pretty thing like you?
Short for Edwina. Turn to the right!
You're a flower, you are.
Just a little desert flower.
Let me know how those come out.
Prison life is very structured...
more than most people care for...
but there's a spirit of camaraderie between the men...
like you find only in combat, maybe...
or on a pro ball club in the heat of the pennant drive.
In an effort to better ourselves...
we were forced to meet with a counselor...
who tried to help us figure out why we were the way we were.
All he wanted was a hot roll and butter.
So...
why do you use the word "trapped"?
Why do you say you feel trapped in a man's body?
Well, sometimes I get the menstrual cramps real hard.
Have you learned anything, Hi?
Yes, sir. You bet.
You wouldn't lie to us, would you?
No, ma'am. Hope to say.
OK, then.
I tried to stand up and fly straight...
but it wasn't easy with Reagan in the White House.
I don't know.
They say he's a decent man, so...
maybe his advisers are confused.
Turn to the right.
What's the matter, Ed?
My "fy- ance" left me.
She said her fiance had run off...
with a student cosmetologist...
who knew how to ply her feminine wiles.
The sumbitch.
Don't forget his phone call, Ed.
Tell him I think he's a damn fool, Ed.
You tell him I said so...
H.I. McDunnough.
If he wants to discuss it, he knows where to find me...
in the Maricopa County Maximum Security...
Correctional Facility For Men...
State Farm Road Number Thirty- one, Tempe, Arizona!
I'll be waitin'!
I'll be waitin'.
I can't say I was happy to be back inside...
but the flood of familiar sights, sounds, and faces...
almost made it feel like a homecoming.
Most men your age are getting married and raising a family.
Well, factually...
They wouldn't accept prison as a substitute.
Would any of you men care to comment?
sometimes your career has got to come before family.
Work's what's kept us happy.
I tried to sort through what Doc Schwartz had said...
but prison ain't the easiest place to think.
When there was no meat, we ate fowl.
When there was no fowl, we ate crawdad.
When there was no crawdad to be found, we ate sand.
- You ate what? - We ate sand.
- You ate sand? - That's right.
Well, Hi, you done served your twenty months...
and seeing as how you never use live ammo...
we got no choice but to return you to society.
These doors gonna swing wide.
I didn't want to hurt anyone, sir.
Hi, we respect that.
But you're just hurting yourself...
with this rambunctious behavior.
I know that, sir.
OK, then.
I don't know how you come down...
on the incarceration question...
whether it's for rehabilitation or revenge...
but I was beginning to think...
revenge is the only argument makes any sense.
Show the tattoo!
Turn to the right!
Don't forget his fingers, Ed.
Hear about the paddy wagon...
that collided with the cement mixer, Ed?
Twelve hardened criminals escaped.
Ha ha! I heard that one.
Got a new beau?
No, Hi. I sure don't.
Don't worry. I paid for it.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
And for once, they may be right.
- You missed a spot. - Rrr!
More and more, my thoughts turned to Ed...
and I finally felt the pain of imprisonment.
Mama would throw the live crawdad...
in a pan of boiling water.
One day, I decided to make my own crawdad...
and I threw it in a pot without the water, you see?
And it was just like making popcorn.
Yeah, the joint is a lonely place...
after lockup and lights out...
when the last of the cons...
has been swept away by the sandman.
But I couldn't help thinking...
that a brighter future lay ahead...
a future that was only eight to fourteen months away.
They got a name for people like you, Hi.
That name is called recidivism.
Repeat offender.
Not a pretty name, is it, Hi?
No, sir. That's one bonehead name...
but that ain't me anymore.
You're not just telling us what we want to hear?
No, sir. No way.
'Cause we just want to hear the truth.
Then I guess I am telling you what you want to hear.
Didn't we just tell you not to do that?
Yes, sir.
OK, then.
Turn to the right!
I'm walking in here on my knees, Ed...
a free man proposing.
Howdy, Kurt.
And so it was.
Don't forget the bouquet, Ed.
I do.
You bet I do.
OK, then.
Ed's pa staked us to a starter home...
in suburban Tempe...
and I got a job drilling holes in sheet metal.
We were doing paramedical work...
in affiliation with the state highway system.
Not actually practicing, you understand.
Me and Bill were patrolling down Nine Mile.
- Bill Roberts? - No, not that mother- scratcher.
Bill Parker.
Anyway, we're approaching the wreck...
and there's this spherical object...
resting in the highway...
and it's not a piece of the car.
Most ways, the job was a lot like prison...
except Ed was waiting at the end of every day...
and a paycheck at the end of every week.
Government do take a bite, don't she?
These were the happy days...
the salad days, as they say.
Ed felt that having a critter was the next logical step.
It was all she thought about.
Her point was that there was too much love and beauty...
for just the two of us...
and every day we kept a child out of the world...
was a day he might later regret having missed.
That was beautiful.
So we worked at it on the days we calculated most likely to be fruitful...
and we worked at it most other days, just to be sure.
Ed rejoiced that my lawless years were behind me...
and that our child- rearing years lay ahead.
And then the roof caved in.
Hi...
I'm barren!
At first I didn't believe it...
that this woman who looked as fertile...
as the Tennessee Valley...
could not bear children.
But the doctor explained that her insides...
were a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.
Ed was inconsolable.
We tried an adoption agency.
It's true that Hi has had a checkered past.
But Ed here is an officer of the law twice decorated...
so we figure it kind of evens out.
But biology and the prejudices of others...
conspired to keep us childless.
Our love for each other was stronger than ever...
but I premonised no return of the salad days.
The pizzazz had gone out of our lives.
Ed lost all interest in both criminal justice...
and housekeeping.
Soon after, she tendered her badge.
Even my job seemed as dry and bitter...
as a hot prairie wind.
So here's Bill walking down Nine Mile...
That's Bill Parker, you understand.
He's got his sandwich in one hand...
and the fuckin' head in the other!
I even caught myself driving by convenience stores...
that weren't on the way home.
Then, one day...
the biggest news hit the state since they built the Hoover Dam.
The Arizona Quints was born.
By Arizona Quints...
I mean they was born to a woman named Florence Arizona.
As you probably guessed...
Florence Arizona is the wife of Nathan Arizona...
and Nathan Arizona...
well, hell, you know who he is.
So come on down to Unpainted Arizona...
where you can get the finest selection...
in fixtures and appointments...
for your bathroom, bedroom, boudoir!
And if you can find lower prices anywhere...
my name ain't Nathan Arizona!
The owner of the largest chain of unpainted furniture...
and bathroom fixture outlets throughout the Southwest.
Yep, Florence had been taking fertility pills...
and she and Nathan had hit the jackpot.
Now, y'all without sin can cast the first stone...
but we thought it was unfair that some should have so many...
while others should have so few.
With the benefit of hindsight...
maybe it wasn't such a hot idea.
But at the time...
Ed's little plan seemed like the solution...
to all our problems...
and the answer to all our prayers.
Eight hundred leaf- tables and no chairs?
You can't sell leaf- tables and no chairs.
Chairs, you got a dinette set. No chairs, you got dick!
I asked my wife. She got more sense.
Miles, alls I know is...
I'm away from the office to play with my kids...
and everything goes straight to heck!
I ain't gonna stand for it!
Yeah, if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a- hoppin'.
I am sick of your excuses, Miles.
It is now precisely...
8:45 in the p.m.
I'm gonna be down at that store in exactly twelve hours...
to kick me some butt...
or my name ain't Nathan Arizona!
That sounds like Larry.
No, no, no. Shh. Shh.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Quiet, quiet.
Quiet.
Good boy.
Quiet, quiet.
That's it. Good, good.
Quiet.
Yes.
Here's a rattle.
Rattle. OK?
OK, good.
No, no.
Shh. Shh. Quiet, quiet.
Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Why don't you go up and check on them?
They sound restless.
What's the matter?
I'm sorry, honey. It just didn't work out.
What do you mean it didn't work out?
They...they started crying.
They were all over me.
It was kind of horrifying, honey. Let me in.
Of course they cried. Babies cry.
I know that. We better leave.
You go right back up there and get me a toddler.
I need a baby, Hi. They got more than they can handle.
Oh, honey...
Don't you come back here without a baby.
Christian Dior, my butt.
They pay money for that?
Yes, dear.
How are the kids?
Fine, dear.
- Which one you get? - I don't know.
- Nathan Junior, I think. - Give me here.
Here's the instructions.
Oh...
he's beautiful.
Yep. He's awful damn good.
I think I got the best one.
I bet they were all beautiful.
All babies are beautiful.
This one's awful damn good, though.
Don't you cuss around him.
He's fine, he is.
I think it's Nathan Junior.
We are doing the right thing, aren't we, Hi?
They had more than they could handle.
Well, now, honey, we've been over this and over this.
There's what's right and there's what's right...
and never the twain shall meet.
But don't you think his mama will be upset...
I mean, overly?
Of course she'll be upset, sugar, but she'll get over it.
She's got four little babies...
almost as good as this one.
It's like when I was robbing convenience stores.
I love him so much!
I know you do, honey.
I love him so much!
I know you do.
Oh!
OK. Bring him in.
This is it, Nathan Junior.
Feast your eyes, old boy!
Don't be so loud around him.
- Damn. I'm sorry, honey. - And don't you cuss.
He don't know a cuss word from Shinola.
Well, you see that he don't.
I want to hold him, too.
Well, mind his little fontanel.
Oh, he's all right, he is.
Come on over here, young Nathan Junior.
I'm gonna show you around.
Looky here, young sportsman.
That there's the kitchen area where Ma and Pa chow down.
This here's the TV.
Two hours a day, maximum...
either educational or football...
so's you don't ruin your appreciation of the finer things.
And this here's the divan...
for socializing and relaxing with the family unit.
Yes, sir.
Many's the day we sat there and said...
"Wouldn't it be nice to have a youngster here to share our thoughts and feelings?"
He's tired, Hi.
Well, I'll just set you right there, boy.
Just put those dogs up and take a load off.
What? Are you kidding? We got us a family here!
He's a scandal, isn't he? He's a little outlaw.
No. He...he's a good boy.
He ain't too good.
You can tell by that twinkle in his eye.
Don't you think we ought to put him to bed?
No. Hang on, honey.
Let's preserve the moment in pictures.
Just one, OK?
I got to tell you...
I'm a little scared, Hi.
How come is that, honey?
Well, we got a baby, Hi.
It's an awful big responsibility.
Honey, could you slide over a tad...
and raise the nipper up?
I mean, we never done this before...
and I'm kind of nervous.
You're doing real good, sugar.
- I love you, Hi. - We're set to pop here, honey.
- You're gonna help, aren't you? - How's that, honey?
Contribute...
to the management of the child.
Quiet evenings at home together.
- You can count on it, honey. - Everything decent and normal.
We're set to pop here, honey.
OK.
What is she?
Station wagon. Looks nice.
- Merry Christmas. - Open up! It's the police!
What's going on?
- Stay in here. - Open up!
They ain't gonna split up the family.
Open up in there!
I'd like to see them try.
Open up! Maybe we'll let you plea- bargain!
Oh, Gale! Oh, make me sick!
Honey, I'd like you to meet...
Gale and Evelle Snoats...
as fine a pair as ever broke and entered!
Boys...this here's my wife.
- Ma'am. - Miz McDunnough.
Kind of late for visitors, isn't it, Hi?
Yeah, but these boys just got out of the joint...
so we got to show a little hospitality.
H.I., looks like you been up to the devil's business.
Is that a him or a her?
It's a little boy.
Got a name, does he?
So far, we just been using Junior.
We call him Junior.
You mean J.R., just like the TV show?
That's good!
"Welcome home, son." Where's he been?
- Phoenix. - Tulsa.
He was visiting his grandparents.
They're separated.
Would that be your folks, ma'am?
No. I'm afraid not.
You said your folks was dead, H.I.
We thought Junior should see their final resting place.
Why don't you boys have a seat?
Hi, it's 2:00 in the morning.
What's that smell?
We don't always smell this way, Miz McDunnough.
I was just explaining to your better half here...
that when we were tunneling out...
we happened to hit the main sewer line...
dumb luck that... and we followed that...
You mean you busted out of jail?
We released ourselves on our own recognizance.
What Evelle's saying is we felt the institution...
no longer had anything to offer us.
My Lord, he's cute!
He's a little outlaw. You can see that, Hi.
Now, listen. You folks can't stay here.
Ma'am?
You just can't stay.
I appreciate your being friends of Hi...
but this is a decent family now.
We got a toddler here.
Say, who wears the pants around here, H.I.?
Ha! Honey, these boys just got out of the joint...
Don't "honey" me.
You can set a while and catch up...
but then be on your way.
Got you on an awful short leash, don't she?
Are they still here?
Yeah.
They're just gonna stay a day or two, honey.
It's raining out. They got nowheres to go.
They're fugitives, Hi.
How are we gonna start a new life with them around?
Well, honey, you got to have a little charity.
You know, in Arab lands, you set out a plate.
Promise, just a day or two.
Tonight and tomorrow, tops.
That night, I had a dream.
I drifted off...
thinking about happiness, birth, and new life...
but now I was haunted by a vision of...
He was horrible.
The lone biker of the apocalypse.
A man with all the powers of hell at his command.
He could turn the day into night...
and laid to waste everything in his path.
He was especially hard on the little things...
the helpless and the gentle creatures.
He left a scorched earth in his wake...
befouling even the sweet desert breeze...
that whipped across his brow.
I didn't know where he came from or why.
I didn't know if he was... a dream or vision...
but I feared that I myself had unleashed him.
For he was the fury that would be...
as soon as Florence Arizona found her little Nathan gone.
Is he all right?
He's all right.
He was just having a nightmare.
Sometimes it's a hard world for the little things.
No, the missis and the rest of the kids...
left town to... I ain't sayin' where.
They'll be back here when we're a nuclear family again.
Which tot was abducted?
Nathan Junior, I think.
Do you have anything to say to the kidnappers?
Watch your butts.
It's been rumored your son was abducted by UFOs.
Don't print that, son.
If his mama reads that, she'll lose all hope.
We need to ask you some more questions.
But remember, it's still business as usual at Unpainted Arizona.
If you can find lower prices anywhere...
my name still ain't Nathan Arizona.
But, sir...
Mr. Byrum can take your exemplars while you talk.
Just relax your hand. I'll do the work.
What is this? I didn't steal the damn kid.
These men are with the FBI.
Are you boys crazy?
Alls I know is I wake up and my wife is screaming.
We need to distinguish your prints from the perpetrator, if they left any.
Of course. I know that.
We have an indication...
you were born Nathan Huffheinz.
Is this correct?
I changed my name. What of it?
Can you give us an indication why?
Yeah. Would you buy furniture...
at a store called Unpainted Huffheinz?
Was the child wearing anything when he was abducted?
Nobody sleeps naked in this house.
I am asking the questions.
To put out an APB, I need a description.
We're better trained to intervene in a crisis situation.
What was he wearing?
A dinner jacket. What do you think?
He was wearing his damn jammies.
The child was wearing his jammies.
Do you have any disgruntled employees?
They're all disgruntled.
I ain't running a damn daisy farm.
My motto is "Do it my way or watch your butt."
It might have been an employee?
Don't make me laugh. Without my say- so...
they wouldn't piss with their pants on fire.
What did the pajamas look like?
I don't know. They were jammies!
They had Yodas and shit on 'em !
Get your damn feet off my coffee table!
Ron, you are upsetting the victim.
Are you boys gonna chase down your leads...
or sit around drinking coffee in the one house...
in the state where I know my boy ain't at?
We don't have any leads aside from the coat.
Give me that! That's a $500 camel's hair coat!
Sir, you might want to wash your hands.
God damn it!
No leads? Everyone leaves microbes and whatnot.
That's your forte, ain't it?
Trackin' down microbes left by criminals and commies.
That's your whole goddamned raison d'etre, ain't it?
No leads? I want Nathan Junior back...
or whichever the hell one of 'em they took!
He's out there somewhere. Something leads to him.
And anyone can find him knows the difference between a lead and a hole in the ground!
Awful good cereal flakes, Miz McDunnough.
Why ain't you breast- feedin'?
You appear to be capable.
Mind your own business.
Ma'am, you don't breast- feed him...
he'll hate you for it later.
That's why we wound up in prison.
That's what Doc Schwartz says.
Boys.
Mornin', Hi.
Hi.
Uh...say, boys...
you wouldn't mind making yourself scarce for a couple of hours this afternoon, would you?
We're having some decent friends over.
What Ed means to say is...
seein' as you two boys are wanted...
wouldn't exactly do to have folks seein' you here.
It's for your own protection.
Sure, H.I.
Anything you say, Hi.
Honey, I think I'll skip this get- together myself.
Glen won't mind. I'll duck out with the boys...
knock back a couple of Coca- Colas.
Sure, H.I.
We'd love to have you, Hi.
Maybe that ain't such a swell idea, either.
So many social engagements...
so little time.
Where's that baby Where's he at?
Go find him, honey!
Cut it out, Glen!
He's asleep right now.
Shit! I hope we didn't wake it.
Can I sneak a peek- a- loo?
Come on, kids!
Get away from Mr. McDunnough's car!
What's his name?
Uh, Hi...Junior...
till we think of a better one.
Well, why don't you call him Jason?
I just love biblical names. If I had another little boy...
I'd name him Jason, Caleb, or Tab.
[Gasps] Oh, he's an angel!
He's an angel straight from heaven!
Honey, I had my kids the hard way.
Tell me how you got this little angel?
Did he fly straight down from heaven?
You're gonna send him to Arizona State.
Need a beer, Glen?
Does the Pope wear a funny hat?
Yeah, I guess it is kind of funny.
Say, that reminds me.
How many Polacks it take to screw up a light bulb?
I don't know. One?
Nope, it takes three.
Wait a minute. No, I told it wrong.
Here, I'm starting again.
How come it takes three Polacks to screw up a light bulb?
I don't know, Glen.
'Cause they're so darn stupid!
Shit, man, listen up. Don't you get it?
No, Glen, I sure don't.
I guess that's why they call it a way- homer.
Why?
You only get it on the way home.
I'm already home, Glen.
You wet yourself! You wet yourself!
Mr. McDunnough wet himself, Daddy!
Say, how'd you get that kid so darn fast?
Me and Dot went in to adopt...
on account of something went wrong with my semen.
They said we had to wait five years for a healthy, white baby.
I said, "Five years? OK, what else you got?"
They said they got two Koreans...
and a Negro born with his heart on the outside.
It's a crazy world.
Someone ought to sell tickets.
Sure, I'd buy one.
That Buford's a sly one.
He already knows his ABCs.
Watch this.
Hit the deck, boy!
But like I'm sayin', how'd you get the kid?
This whole thing is just who knows who.
Then over here you have favoritism.
Ed has a friend at one of the agencies.
Maybe she can do something for me and Dot.
There's something wrong with my semen.
That reminds me, what you gonna name it?
Ed. Ed Junior.
But I thought you said it was a boy.
As in "Edward." We just like that name.
Yeah, that's a good one.
I don't need another kid...
but Dot says these are getting too big to cuddle.
Say, that reminds me...
Mind you don't cut yourself, Mordecai.
Then there's the diphtheria- tetanus.
Get them dip- tet boosters yearly...
or else they'll develop lockjaw and night vision.
Then there's the smallpox vaccine...
chicken pox, and measles.
If your kid's anything like ours...
you'll have to get those shots yourself first...
before he'll ever take them.
Who's your pediatrician, anyway?
We ain't exactly fixed on one yet, have we, Hi?
No, I guess we don't have one yet.
Jesus! You got to have one this instant!
What if the baby gets sick, honey?
Even if he don't get sick, he's got to have his dip- tet.
He's got to have his dip- tet, honey.
Have you started his bank accounts yet?
Have we done that? We got to do that, honey.
What's that for?
His orthodontia and his university.
Soak his thumb in iodine you might get by without orthodontia.
Won't knock a thing off the university.
Ray, take that diaper off your head!
Put it back onto your sister!
You probably got the life insurance...
all squared away.
Have we done that yet, honey?
Got to do that, Hi.
Ed's got her hands full with this little angel.
Yes, ma'am.
What would Ed and little angel do if a truck...
splattered your brains all over the interstate?
Yeah, honey. What if you get run over?
Or you got carried off by a twister?
Say, you hear about the person of Polish persuasion...
he walks into a bar with a big pile of shit in his hands...
and he says, "Look what I almost stepped in."
Yeah, that's funny.
You're damn right it's funny.
Shit, what's the matter?
I don't know.
Maybe it's a wife, kids, family life.
I mean...
Are you... are you satisfied, Glen?
Don't you ever feel suffocated?
Like there's something big pressing down?
Yeah, I do know that feeling.
I don't know.
And I told Dot to lose some weight...
but she don't want to listen.
Ha ha ha ha! No, man, I know what you mean.
You got all these responsibilities now.
You're married, you got a kid.
It looks like your whole life is set down...
and where's the excitement?
Yeah, that's it.
That's a disease, but you got a cure.
Dr. Glen is here to tell you that you can heal thyself.
What do I got to do?
Just broaden your mind a little.
Say if I asked you, what do you think about Dot?
She's a fine woman you got there.
You might not know it to look at her...
but she's a hellcat. T- i- g- e- r.
What's that got to do...
Now, don't rush me.
The thing about Dot is...
She told me this.
She thinks... she thinks you're cute.
Yeah?
I'm crappin' you negative...
and I could say the same thing about Ed.
What are you talking about?
What am I talking about? I'm talking about sex, boy.
What the hell are you talking about?
I'm talking about l'amour.
I'm talking me and Dot are swingers...
as in "to swing."
I'm talking about wife- swapping.
I'm talking about what they call open marriage.
I'm talking about...
Keep your goddamn hands off my wife.
I was only trying to help!
You crazy! You're crazy, man!
Keep your goddamn hands off my wife!
You're crazy! I pity you!
We finally go out with some decent people...
and you break his nose. That ain't too funny.
His kids thought it was funny.
Well, they're just kids.
You're a grown man with responsibilities.
Whatever possessed you?
He was provoking me.
How?
Never mind.
But, Hi, he's your foreman. He's gonna fire you now.
I expect he will.
And where does that leave the three of us?
Where does that leave our entire family unit?
With a man for a husband.
That ain't no answer.
Honey, that's the only answer.
That ain't no answer.
Just a man for a husband.
Nathan needs some Huggies.
I'll be out directly.
Mind you stay strapped in.
Wake up, son.
I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got.
"No, no, not by the hair on my chinny- chin- chin..."
said the little pig.
Look at him.
"Then I..."
"Then I'll huff and I'll puff...
"and I'll blow your house in."
That sumbitch.
That son of a bitch.
You son of a bitch!
Hurry up. I'm in Dutch with the wife.
You son of a bitch!
Come on, now.
Honey?
That sumbitch.
Hold on, Nathan. We're gonna go pick up Daddy.
Son, you got a panty on your head.
Just drive fast.
Oh, wait. There's the wife.
Honey!
Grab the baby, now!
Hang on, Nathan. We're gonna take a shortcut.
Aah! Can I stop now?
Thank you.
That's private property, son.
Come out to the street and reveal yourself.
Son of a bitch.
Thank you, honey, but you really didn't have to do this.
You son of a bitch! What if we'd been picked up?
Turn left here.
Nathan Junior would have been accessory to armed robbery.
It ain't armed robbery if the gun ain't loaded.
What kind of home life is this for a toddler?
You're supposed to be an example.
A what Businessman?
I never postured myself as a three- piece- suit type!
Turn right, honey.
We got a child now. Everything's changed.
Nathan Junior accepts me for what I am...
and I think you better had, too.
I'm OK, you're OK. That there's what it is.
I know, but, honey...
I come from a long line of frontiersmen...
Oh, here it is, dear. Turn here.
I'm not gonna live this way, Hi.
It just ain't family life!
Well, it ain't Ozzie and Harriet.
You two are leaving tomorrow morning.
I got nothing against you personally...
but you're wanted by the authorities...
and you're a bad influence in this household.
Well, ma'am...
we sure didn't mean to influence anybody.
And if we did, we apologize.
I'm going in town tomorrow to see about shots for the baby.
When I come back, you better be gone.
What's he need, his dip- tet?
I'm awful sorry, boys, but...when Ed gets mad...
you know, she gets an idea.
There ain't a thing to apologize for, H.I.
Seems pretty clear what the situation is here.
Yeah. I guess the missis wants us to clear out.
Now, H.I., if you'll pardon me for sayin' so...
I get the feelin' that this here ain't exactly workin' out.
Edwina's generally a real sweetheart.
And as per usual, I wouldn't be surprised...
if the source of the marital friction weren't financial.
As a matter of fact... I did lose my job today.
Oh, Hi, you're young and got your health.
What do you want with a job?
I'd rather light a candle than curse your darkness.
Now, as you know...
Evelle and I never go anywhere without there's a purpose.
And here we are in your little domicile.
We come to invite you in on a little score.
- A bank, H.I. - Come on, now!
I know you're partial to convenience stores...
but damn it, H.I...
the sun don't rise and set on the corner grocery.
It's like Doc Schwartz says.
You got to have a little ambition.
We just watchin' on the news...
how somebody went and snatched one of them Arizona babies.
Oh, for Christ's sakes.
That's somebody who's thinking big.
Here you are sitting on your butt...
playing house with a...
don't get me wrong... with a fine woman...
but a woman who needs a button- down type.
I don't particularly think that's any of your...
Hold on, H.I. Now looky there.
That's a picture of El Dorado.
The locals call it...
the Farmers & Mechanics Bank of La Grange.
Looks like a hayseed bank.
To tell you the truth, it is a hayseed bank...
except the last Friday of every financial quarter...
there's more cash in that bank than flies at a barbecue.
Guess what day it is tomorrow?
When all the hayseeds come in...
and cash their farm subsidies checks.
A- 1 information.
Got it in the joint from Lawrence Spivy...
one of Dick Nixon's Undersecretary of Agriculture.
He's in for soliciting sex from a state trooper.
Ordinarily we don't associate with that type...
but he was trying to make a few brownie points.
Boys, I can't.
We need someone handy with a scatter- gun...
to cover them hayseeds while we get that cash.
You understand, H.I.?
If this works out, it's just the beginning...
of a spree to cover the entire Southwest.
And we keep going until we can retire...
or we get caught.
Either way, we're fixed for life.
Boys, this is a kind offer, but...
if you're suggesting I just up and leave Ed...
that would be pretty damn cowardly, wouldn't it?
Would it? Think about it, H.I.
Seems to me, sitting here, you ain't doing her any good...
and you ain't bein' true to your own nature.
"My dearest Edwina...
"tonight as you and Nathan slumber...
"my heart is filled with anguish.
"I hope that you will both understand...
"and forgive me for what I have decided I must do.
"By the time you read this, I will be gone.
"I will never be the man that you want me to be...
"the husband and father that you and Nathan deserve.
"Maybe it's my upbringing.
"Maybe it's just that my genes got screwed up.
"I don't know...
"but the events of the last day...
"have showed amply...
"that I don't have the strength of character...
"to raise up a family...
"in the manner befitting a responsible adult.
"I say all this to my shame.
"I will love you always...
"truly and deeply...
"but I fear that if I stay...
"I would only bring bad trouble on the heads of you and Nathan Junior."
"I feel the thunder gathering even now.
"If I leave...
"hopefully, it will leave with me.
"I cannot tarry.
"Better I should go...
"send you money...
"and let you curse my name.
"Your loving...
"Herbert."
Mr. Arizona, he just barged in.
Should I call Dwayne?
Hell, no. Why wake the security guard?
I'll take care of this.
You got flies.
I doubt it.
This place is climate- controlled.
All the windows are sealed.
Who the hell are you?
Smalls.
Leonard Smalls.
My friends call me Lenny... but I got no friends.
Oh, stop. You're gonna make me bust out cryin'.
Leonard, you want some furniture or a shit box...
they're out there on the sales floor.
I'm not a customer.
I'm a manhunter.
Now, of course, I do hunt babies on occasion.
I hear you've got one you can't put your hand to.
What do you know about it?
That's my business. I'm a tracker.
Some say part hound dog.
When some dink busts out of the joint, skips bail...
I'm the one they call.
Mister...
I got the cops, state troopers, Federal B.I...
already looking for my boy.
Now, if you got information...
Cops won't find your boy.
A cop couldn't find his butt if he had a bell on it.
You want to find an outlaw, you call an outlaw.
You want to find a Dunkin' Donuts, call a cop.
Smalls, first off, get your damn feet off my furniture!
Second off, it's widely known...
I posted a twenty- five- grand reward for my boy.
Now, if you can find him, claim it.
Short of that... what have we got to talk about?
Price...fair price.
It's not what you say it is. It's what the market will bear.
Simple economics.
Other people... and mind you, I know them...
that'll pay more than $25,000 for a healthy baby.
What are you after?
Give you an idea.
Why, as a pup, I myself fetched $30,000 on the black market...
them was 1954 dollars.
Now, for fifty grand, I'll track him.
I'll find him.
Them people that took him...
I'll kick their butts.
No extra charge.
And if I don't pay?
I'll get the boy, regardless...
but if you don't pay...
the market will.
You want to know what I think?
I think you're an evil man.
I think this is nothing but a goddamn screw job.
I think it's a shakedown.
I think you're the one that took Nathan Junior...
and you're the one that's gonna get his butt kicked.
I'm gonna phone the cops right now.
Up and at 'em !
Today's the first day of the rest of your life.
Already you're messing it up.
Missis gonna be back from town soon.
Where's the baby?
In the bedroom in his crib.
He's sawin' toothpicks. He'll be fine.
You expecting anyone?
No.
You two stay out of sight.
Mornin', Glen.
I ain't comin' in. I'll just keep my distance.
I didn't invite you in, Glen.
Don't even bother.
First off, you're fired. And that's official.
I kind of figured that, Glen.
That ain't the reason I come out here.
No. You're in a whole shitload of trouble!
Why don't you just calm down?
Why don't you just make me?
You know that little baby you got?
I know what his real name is.
Keep your voice down, Glen.
I'll pitch my voice wherever I please!
His name ain't Hi Junior or Ed Junior...
but it's Junior, all right!
It's Nathan Junior!
Stay away from me, McDunnough!
Yeah, you're an awful big man...
when you got something to clobber a guy with.
I ain't a big man.
That's right.
And now, you're at my mercy.
I'm your worst nightmare.
I was just gonna turn you in for the reward...
but Dot wants something to cuddle.
So we'll call the baby Glen Junior from now on.
I'll give you a day to break the news to Ed.
Dot will be around tomorrow to pick him up.
Either that, or you go to jail.
Say, that reminds me.
You'll be getting a doctor bill in the mail in a few days.
I recommend you pay it!
What's going on here?
You know what's going on. It's just business.
This can go hard or easy, H.I.
My sweet Lord!
Come on.
Good!
Honey, there ain't a thing to be worried about.
We're absolutely gonna get him back.
We'll get him back. That's all there is to it.
I'm gonna be a better person from here on out.
That's final. That's absolutely the way it's gonna be.
That's official. You were right, I was wrong.
A blind man could tell you that.
They ain't gonna hurt him.
They're just in it for the score.
I ain't like that no more. I'm a changed man.
We got a family. I'm gonna start acting responsibly.
So let's go, honey.
Let's go get Nathan Junior!
All have chicken and dumplings
Yeah, we'll all have chicken and dumplings
When she comes
I lo- o- ove to drive.
Boy, you sure said something there, partner.
Yes, sir.
I figure between the ransom and this bank...
you and I will be sitting in the fabled catbird seat.
Gale...um...
Junior just had a...a...an accident.
What's that, partner?
He had himself a little old accident.
What do you mean? He looks OK.
No. See, moving, though we are...
he went and had himself a little old rest stop.
Well, that's natural.
Gale?
What now, little brother?
He smiled at me.
You smiled at me, you. Come here. Yeah.
You know how to put these on?
Around the butt and up over the groin area.
I know where they go, old- timer.
I just want to know whether I need to use pins or fasteners.
No. They got those tapettes already on there.
It's self- contained and fairly explanatory.
Balloons!
These blow up into funny shapes?
Well, no, unless round is funny.
I'll take those, too.
All right, now!
Now, you just lie down back there, old- timer.
Yes, sir!
I want you to count up to eight hundred twenty- five...
then on back down to zero.
OK, then.
I'm comin' back in five...
and check to see that you ain't cheatin'.
Open the door!
He's real cheerful once he warms up to you.
I don't know how high this one can count.
Six Mississippi...
seven Mississippi...
eight Mississippi...
nine Mississippi...
Got some baby grub, baby wipes.
Got them diapers, them disposable kind.
I got me a packet of balloons.
They blow up into funny shapes?
No. Just circular.
Say...where's Junior?
- Didn't you put him in? - I thought...
Where did we leave him?
No!
- My baby! - Aah!
Eight hundred one Mississippi.
Eight hundred Mississippi...
- Aah! - Junior!
- Aah! Aah! - We're on the way!
Seven hundred and ninety- one...
Aw, bullshit!
Seven hundred and ninety- aught Mississippi...
Seven hundred eighty- seven Mississippi...
Oh, baby! Oh, baby.
Seven hundred eighty- five Mississippi...
Promise we ain't never gonna leave him, Gale.
We ain't never gonna give him up again, Evelle.
He's our little Gale Junior now.
Ed...
I realize...
I can't be much of a comfort to you now...
but let me just say this.
You'll feel a whole lot better...
- I don't want to feel better. - Honey.
I don't care about myself anymore.
I don't care about us anymore.
I just want Nathan Junior back safe.
I know that.
If we don't get him back, I don't want to go on living.
Even if we do get him back, I don't want to live with you.
I...I guess I still love you, Hi.
I...I know I do.
I ain't even blamin' you.
The whole thing was crazy, and the whole thing was my idea.
Factually, I bear a large percentage...
Let me finish.
Ever since those jailbirds took Nathan...
I been doin' some thinkin', and I ain't too proud of myself.
Even if Mrs. Arizona had more than she could handle...
I was a police officer sworn to uphold the Constitution of the United States.
You resigned before we ever...
That ain't the point, Hi.
We don't deserve Nathan Junior...
any more than those jailbirds do.
If I'm as selfish and irresponsible as you...
You're not that bad.
If I'm as bad as you, what good are we to each other?
You and me's just a fool's paradise.
- There she is. - Yep.
Well, let's do her.
What are we gonna do with Gale Junior?
He stays here.
Are you crazy?
Suppose we go in there and get ourselves killed?
It would be hours before he gets discovered.
All right, you hayseeds, it's a stickup!
Everybody freeze.
Everybody down on the ground.
Well, which is it, young feller?
You want I should freeze or get down on the ground?
I mean to say, if'n I freeze, I can't rightly drop.
If'n I drop, I'm gonna be in motion.
- Shut up! - OK, then.
Everybody down on the ground!
Forget that part about freezing, now.
- Till they get down there. - Y'all hear that, don't you?
Want to fill this up, partner?
We gotta...Shit!
Where'd all the tellers go?
Down here, sir.
They're on the ground like you commanded, Gale.
I told you not to use my damn name.
Can't you try to keep from forgetting that?
Not even your code name?
Oh, yeah, yeah. My code name.
Y'all hear that? We're using code names.
We're just about ready to begin the robbery proper!
Hurry up, you dang hayseed!
All right. Now, y'all know how this here works.
And that hayseed over there with the red hat...
he's the monitor.
OK, you betcha.
I want you to stay flat for ten full minutes!
We might just come back in five to check.
That's for us to know, and y'all to find out.
Anyone found bipedal in five wears his ass for a hat.
That old- timer threw off my concentration...
otherwise, it would've gone smoother.
Shoot, Gale, we done good.
This ought to split up nice three ways.
God damn it! You never leave a man behind!
- Where's the baby? - Where's the baby?
God damn it! Ain't we got enough to contend with?
I don't know, ma'am.
You never leave a man behind!
Miz McDunnough, I'm worried sick about him!
Hold on, H.I. Don't be such a hothead!
H.I.!
Miz McDunnough!
- Let us come with you! - Please!
It's our baby, too!
What is he?
Do you see him, too?
Give me that baby!
I want that baby!
Give me that baby, you warthog from hell!
Just lay down on the floor, young missy.
Run along, now, honey.
But, Hi...
Just run along, now. Whoa!
I'm sorry.
What the hell's goin' on?
Get away from there!
[Whispers] Let's go.
Wait a minute.
I ain't through with you.
What are you doing creeping around here in the dark?
You in with Smalls?
Excuse me?
Leonard Smalls. Big fella.
Rides a Harley.
Dresses like a rock star.
No, sir. That's who we saved him from.
It's a long story.
Suppose you tell it.
Well, sir, in a reward situation...
they usually say no questions asked.
Oh...do they?
Yeah.
all right, boy.
I guess you got a reward coming.
Twenty- five thousand dollars...
or...if you need home furnishings...
I can give you a line of credit at any of my stores.
That's the way I'd rather handle it. Tax reasons.
We don't want no reward.
We didn't bring him back for money.
We could work it that way, too.
Could I just look at him a little bit more?
Be my guest, little lady.
But, uh...
would...would you mind telling me exactly how you...
You took him...didn't you?
Wasn't that biker at all.
I took him, sir.
My wife had nothing to do with it.
I crept in yon window...
We both did it.
We didn't want to hurt him any.
I just wanted to be a mama.
It wasn't for money or nothing.
We just figured you had more than you could handle, babywise.
But I committed the actual crime...
so if you need to call the authorities...
Shut up, boy. Nobody's calling the authorities...
since there's no harm done.
Thank you, sir.
Bullshit. Just tell me why you did it.
We...
can't have one of our own.
look, if you can't have kids, you just got to keep trying...
and hope medical science catches up with you...
like Florence and me.
Caught up with a vengeance.
But, hell, even if it never does for you...
you still got each other.
Sir...those are kind words, but...
I think the wife and I are splitting up.
Her point is that we're both kind of...
selfish and unrealistic...
so we ain't too good for each other.
Well, ma'am, I don't know much...
but I do know human beings.
You brought back my boy...
so...you must have your good points, too.
Sure hate to think of Florence leaving me.
I...do...love her so.
You can go out the way you came in...
and before you go off and do another foolish thing...
like bustin' up...
I suggest you sleep on it...
at least one night.
That night I had a dream.
I dreamt I was as light as the ether...
a floating spirit visiting things to come.
The shades and shadows of the people in my life...
rassled their way into my slumber.
I dreamt that Gale and Evelle had decided to return to prison.
Probably that's just as well.
I don't mean to sound superior...
and they're a swell couple guys...
but maybe they weren't ready yet to come out into the world.
And then I dreamed on...
into the future...
to a Christmas morn in the Arizona home...
where Nathan Junior was opening a present...
from a kindly couple...
who preferred to remain unknown.
I saw Glen a few years later...
still having no luck getting the cops to listen...
to his wild tales about me and Ed.
Maybe he threw in one Polack joke too many.
I don't know.
And still I dreamed on...
further into the future than I'd ever dreamed before...
watching Nathan Junior's progress from afar...
taking pride in his accomplishments...
as if he were our own...
wondering if he ever thought of us...
and hoping maybe we'd broadened his horizons a little...
even if he couldn't remember just how they got broadened.
But still I hadn't dreamt nothing about me and Ed...
until the end.
And this was cloudier...
'cause it was years... years away...
but I saw an old couple being visited by their children...
and all their grandchildren, too.
The old couple wasn't screwed up...
and neither were their kids or their grandkids.
Dad.
And I don't know. You tell me.
This whole dream...
was it wishful thinking?
Was I just fleeing reality like I know I'm liable to do?
But me and Ed...
we can be good, too.
And it seemed real.
It seemed like us...
and it seemed like...
our home.
If not Arizona, then a land not too far away...
where all parents are strong and wise and capable...
and all children are happy and beloved.
I don't know.
Maybe it was Utah.